DESIREplay.

All players are seated, dispersed in the audience, holding cardboard boxes. A pause. One player leads the rest in standing. At once all players start to sing. While singing all travel to the stage, and place their boxes on the stage. The boxes are brightly colored, like child paintings.

Nobody likes me everybody hates me

I guess I’ll go eat worms! All players drop boxes.

Long thin skinny ones

Short fat ugly ones

Itty bitty tiny whiny worms!

**

Thirsty!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scene: 3 people seated at a café table. Some one has set up a cart full of water and glasses behind them. They see the cart but do not move.

Kate: I am so thirsty.

Austen: I wish I had some water.

Amy: I’m so thirsty…

Kate: You know… we’re all about 80 percent water.

Austen: Yeah, its true.

Amy: Except for me, I’m about down to 75.

Austen: I’m like 20 percent. I’m so thirsty.

Kate: I could drink a lake.

Amy: I could drink the ocean.

Austen: Nah, too salty

All: I’m so thirsty!

**

Ms. Comenow part one

While donning the “bum’s” jacket and placing herself on the ground to be tripped over, Kate announces:

Kate: “Ms. Comenow’s Successful Strategies for Avoiding Things While Still Looking Good!

For the Classroom!”

Ms. Comenow should be doing some inaction, or rather an action that is completely incongruous with the text. We chose Ms. Comenow to be practicing ballet in this sequence. There are three players who play Ms. Comenow. They do not attempt to act or look like each other, or look or sound like some TV version of what Ms. Comenow should be. We all wear the same wig and glasses.

Miranda:

When a student asks an uncomfortable question, simply remind them that you are the teacher.

Inform your students that their success depends on their ability to take direction.

Remember to say: “That is out of line” as much as possible.

Separate the troublemakers from the flock. Always make the outspoken sit outside of the room. It is imperative that you remain the loudest spoken in the room, without seeming loud spoken.

Remind students that silence is necessary for thinking. Simply said: “SHH.”

Extensively praise a student when repeating an idea you have taught. It will encourage students to think outside their box, and inside yours.

**

Happy Neighborhood

Parents are pointing gun-like hands each other, they shake their free hands or hug while still holding their “guns” to each other’s back, and converse happily; this could all be done in pantomime

P1 Austen: How are you doing?

P2 Kate: Good.

(They keep talking, improvising or lip talking).

Kids are passing a ball back and forth and talking. We changed this to have the kids playing dress up with Ms. Comenow’s wig and glasses. One kid is not pointing a gun.

K2 Amy: (who is not pointing a gun) it’s hard to play if you’re holding a gun.

**

Scene: singer and producer on opposite sides of the stage; singer recording “eensy weensy spider”

Singer Kate: …so the eensy weensy spider went up the spout again.

Producer Yojo: That sounded good, but the label has a problem with the word rain. It’s well, just too sad sounding. They want happy sunny words, so if you could say “rainbow” instead, that would be great. Ok, lets try this again.

Kate: Down came the rainbow and washed the spider out…

Yojo: That was great, real great. Just one thing; the label isn’t too sure kids will understand the word spout. Try saying “gutter” instead. And let’s start it over without the words eensy weensy. They’re just a little too abstract for a children’s song. Try just saying.. small, k?

Kate: The sma-all spider went up the water gutter

Down came the rainbow and washed the spider out…

Yojo: Great, I think we’ve almost got it. The label would rather you not use the word spider. Well, you know they do have eight legs and all. Try “red panda” instead. It’s more culturally aware.

Kate: The small red panda went up the water gutter

Down came the rainbow and washed the red panda out.

Out came the sun and dried up all the rainbow

And the small red panda went up the gutter again.

Yojo: Perfect! That’s a rap!

**

It could be worse!!!

Scene: A person walks center stage, and lays down, propping their head up with their arms., whistling a popular song like Que Sera sera. Another person comes and sits directly on their head.

Miranda; Umm… excuse me?

Austen; Yes?

Miranda; Are you seriously sitting on my head??

Austen; Yup.

Miranda; Get off of my head!

The person laying down tries to shove the person sitting off their head, fails, gives up, and lets out a large sigh.

Austen; Look at it this way… it could be worse, right?

There is an echo from the sidelines- “it could be, it could be worse!”

**

Ms. Comenow part two

Yojo announces, Kate the bum lays down so that Ms. Comenow will trip over her again:

Ms. Comenow!

On the Street!

Ms Comenow is doing exaggerated stretching in this scene.

Amy:

Always wear a “power suit” seem powerful in every situation. That way, whatever you are avoiding will already be avoided by intimidation.

Putting a finger to your mouth can be a successful tool for silencing an outrageous thought. Make sure to open your eyes wide in disbelief and scorn. Then simply laugh, and change the subject as quickly as possible.

Reply with this phrase as often as necessary: “I worry for you.” Be sure to shake your head as you are saying this.

When meaning to offend someone and their ideals, always begin your thought with: “I don’t mean to offend, but…”

Parables can also be an interesting and entertaining way to control your audience. When an idea comes about that you would rather avoid, tell the parable of the person with a similar idea, and lost his job, lover, fortune, family, or acceptance in society because of it.

**

Dinner Scene

Five actors – Mom, Dad, Susan, Mary Beth, and Junior

The stage is set with a table (preferably odd shaped and low to the ground so that it is comfortable for the actors), and five chairs. All settings are pantomimed with the exception of forks. After setting the stage the actors hurry off or up stage in different directions and takes off their right shoe. The shoes are thrown in unison to the front of the stage.

A dinner bell/emergency whistle/some one shouting “GO!” is heard. All except for Junior rush to their seats. Quickly, each places their right foot on the table and competitively fills their plates with food. Like pigs they begin to eat and the audience is shown their “manners” – which are very important to the family’s ability to function. These manners are as follows: knives are used to cut big items while forks are used to shovel food into their left hands before being stuffed into their mouths as quickly as possible. When drinking from a glass the entire mouth is placed inside the glass and the tongue is used to scoop or suck the liquid inside. Noises and messes are a complement to the cook; burping, sniffling, and sneezing however are quite rude. After sufficient time has past, Junior is seen hurrying onstage, throwing off his shoe, and doing a quick stretch before running to his place at the table.

Junior Yojo: (to Dad) Sorry!

Dad Austen: You’re late son . . . Apologize to your mother. (After Dad talks the family begins to slow their food consumption.)

Junior Yojo: I’m sorry Mom.

Mom Kate: Don't let it happen again. Now eat up, Junior. What were you doing?

Junior Yojo: I was reading. (Everyone looks at him – they are not appalled at his reading but confused at why he would be late for dinner for such a reason)

Dad Austen: So children, what did you do in school today? Susan, you first.

Susan Miranda: (proudly) I improved my spelling.

Dad Austen: Good! Mary Beth.

Mary Beth Amy: Skip Johnson asked me to his come to his basketball game Friday night,

Susan Miranda: B-a-s-k-e-t-b-a-l. . . .

Mary Beth Amy: . . . Can I go?

Dad Austen: Ask your mother.

Mary Beth Amy: Please Mom?

Mom Kate: Junior, get that fork out of your mouth. You know that’s not where it goes . . . Well, now, I don’t know about this. When I was your age, girls never went out with boys at nighttime . . .

Susan Miranda: N-i-g-h-t.

Mary Beth Amy: Oh, please Mom, pleeeease!

Mom Kate: N-i-t-e, dear. (She looks at Dad and sighs) I suppose. Provided your dress is properly sewn shut and you take a friend along.

Mary Beth Amy: Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Susan Miranda: C-h-e-a-z-y (at this point, Junior who has been uncomfortable at the table and having trouble eating with his foot up begins to take his foot off the table. At first no one notices – Mary Beth first, then Susan, then Dad. Mom is the last to notice and only does after she looks to see what every one is staring at.)

Mom Kate: How about you father. How did your day go?

Dad Austen: Swimmingly! Stocks are up. Business is grand.

Susan Miranda: (staring at Junior) . . . R-o-o-d. (Every one notices now.)

Dad Austen: Chokes on his food, becomes frighteningly angry, stands and sputters.

Mom Kate: (horrified) Junior! How could you? Leave this table at once! I will serve no common heathens in this house! (Begins to cry.)

Dad Austen: YOUR MOTHER WORKED VERY HARD TO PREPARE THIS MEAL AND YOU DON’T HAVE THE DECENCY TO SHOW HER A LITTLE RESPECT???. . .

Junior Yojo: I’m sorry Dad I just . . . my leg can’t bend that way.

Dad Austen: Why you ungrateful little . . .

Junior Yojo: It hurts! I didn’t mean to. .

Dad Austen: You know the punishment. Junior goes to sit on the floor in front of the table. Now, Junior, this is going to hurt you as much as it does me.

Father sits on Junior’s head. Mother covers the eyes of the other two children

**

A CLASSROOM

A teacher, facing the classroom (audience) is standing at the front of the stage. The students sit facing the teacher, with notebooks in hand. Everything the teacher speaks, the students repeat and while recording in their notebooks. The pledge of allegiance is being recited in between each verse. During this scene, the volume of the students gets increasingly louder and quicker, where the teacher remains the same of lowers volume. The children are screaming up until the last line “Schools are required…” in which they return to the volume of the first line.

-I pledge allegiance. . .

Teacher Kate: The sun rises.

Students Company: The sun rises.

-to the flag. . .

Teacher: The Earth is flat

Students:  The Earth is flat 

- of the United States of America. . .

Teacher: Columbus discovered America

Students: Columbus discovered America 

- And to the republic. . .

Teacher: Thanksgiving was a celebration of unity

Students: Thanksgiving was a celebration of unity 

- for which it stands. . .

Teacher: The Civil War was fought over slavery

Students: The Civil War was fought over slavery 

- one nation under god . .

Teacher: The United States spreads democracy

Students: The United States spreads democracy 

- indivisible . . .

Teacher: War is a necessary way of defending our freedom

Students: War is a necessary way of defending our freedom 

- with liberty . . .

Teacher: Communists and Terrorists are international conspirators trying to destroy our democracy

Students: Communists and Terrorists are international conspirators trying to destroy our democracy 

- and justice . . .

Teacher: The SATs measure intelligence. . .except for teachers, hehe.

Students: The SATs measure intelligence… except for teachers, hehe 

- for all.

Teacher: To be successful you must go to college

Students: To be successful you must go to college 

Teacher: Schools are required for learning

Students: Schools are required for learning

**

THOSE MISERABLE THINGS

The first verse of this song is sung with backs to the audience. There should be silence in between each line of the first verse, building momentum. By the second verse the actor is standing. By the first chorus the cast is dancing. Players dance a waltz.

Miranda:

Dark clouds and rainstorms and stepping in puddles

Promises broken and letdowns all over

People who lie through their teeth when they sing

These are a few of those miserable things

Gossip and heartbreak and the dating game

Parents are fighting and strangers are mean

Real jobs with cubicles from 8 to 5

Being upset is a part of my life

All join

When the boss bites, when your bank stings,

When the war looks bad-

I simply remember there’s no better way

To prove it’s my right to be sad!

In harmony, or perhaps one voice again

Stupid rules, high schools and going to college

Getting good grades and the pressure of marriage

Bums punks and heathens how I hate this town!

Rather than do something I’d rather frown!

All join- either for the whole verse, or just the last two lines

When the car dies, as the war goes,

And the world seems MAD,

I simply remember there’s no better way

To prove it’s my right to feel bad!

**

It could be worse!!!!

Scene: Toilet seat in the middle of the stage, a person walks up to it and sits directly underneath it. Another person comes from backstage, and walks up to the toilet seat.

Amy; What the hell are you doing??

Yojo; What do ya mean?

Amy; You’re under the toilet!

Yojo; So I am… what’s it matter to you?

Amy; I’m about to defecate all over you!!

Yojo; Yeah, well, it could be worse

Players echo: “It could be worse!”

**

Miranda announces, once again Kate the bum lays down as before:

Ms. Comenow!

Anytime!

Austen:

Austen as Ms. Comenow places a cardboard box over the bums head, which remains there throughout the next scene.

Wear glasses. Adjusting and cleansing them will provide sufficient time for the subject to be changed.

Although phrases such as “You’re ‘a cruisin’ for a bruisin’” may have gone out of fashion, you may utilize subtler phrases, such as: “Now, now…” “Because I said so,” and “Teacher knows best.”

Employ phrases such as “Unbelievable!” “Unthinkable!” “Impossible!” and my favorite, “Unacceptable!”

Always keep to a strict schedule. This way, students will not have the time for opposing ideas, or the questioning of your own.

Use examples in nature as much as possible: Trees are happy rooted in the ground. We have no control over wind and rain. The flower still blooms, and no one knows whether or not the groundhog will ever see its shadow.

AND Remember: There is always a solid argument opposing any idea one may have. There is no need to argue this opposing idea; you may easily remind your opposition that a great many people believe the opposite.

**

Street Scene/s

Actors cross the stage from right and left as if on their way to work, school, shopping, et cetera. One actor (Kate) wears an oversized, dirty and patched up coat to show that she is indeed a “bum.” The bum has a sigh that says, “the end is near” and tried desperately to connect with each passerby but is utterly ignored.

Bum Kate: Our world is going to end. Look at me! You people are so blind.

Man Yojo: Get a job!

Bum Kate: I’m a person too you know! Is it rude to look at me? Is it “improper”? Look past your stupid conventions. We’re all people here. Think about what you want. Think about what you’re told not to want. Don’t you want a better life! We can do it together. We have too or else it will be too late!

Man Austen: Asshat! (Hurries away)

Bum Kate: Look at yourselves. You’re just shuffling from on institution to another. First family life, then school, then college, then a job, then more family life, then a frickin’ retirement home. When are you ever free? You’re trapped. I dare you to look at me. When was the last time you gave your kid an honest answer to her questions? (A mother hurries her child) See kid, your mother is killing you! Your world is ending before it can began

Child Amy: Mommy, why is my world ending!?!

Mother Miranda: Dear, the world is not going to end. That is just a crazy old bum.

Bum Kate: I’m a human being. Stop lying to your kid. Our world will end unless we can get over our fears, our stupid hang-ups, our taboos. They are just tools of oppression! Can’t you see how you’re mind washing your children? Who’s the crazy one?

Child Amy: Mommy, I don’t want to die! (Begins to cry)

Mother Miranda: Now look what you’ve done, heathen! (To child) There, there, Darling. Don’t listen to that nonsense. Besides dear, if the world were going to end Jesus would save us because Jesus loves you, Honey. You have been a good little girl now haven’t you?

Child Amy: . . . Yes.

Mother Miranda: There now, see? You have nothing to worry about. (They begin to walk off stage)

Child Amy: Will he bring me presents?

Mother Miranda: That’s Santa Clause, Dear. (They exit)

**

BOXES

All actors try to fit into cardboard boxes which are obviously too small for us, while singing the following song. Ms. Comenow is the only one who is able to fit into her (his) box. The other characters may be the father (Austen), the bum (Kate), the producer (Yojo) and the café patron (Amy). This song is sung not as Doris Day sung it, but should be sung as if we were remembering how our mothers would sing this song to us.

Amy:

When I was just a little girl,

I asked my mother, “What will I be?

Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?”

Here’s what she said to me:

Austen:

When I was just a child in school,

I asked my teacher, “What shall I try?

Should I paint pictures?

Should I sing songs?

This was her wise reply:

Miranda:

Now I have children of my own,

They ask their mother, “What will I be?

Will I be handsome? Will I be rich?”

I tell them tenderly:

All: loud, dischord.

(chorus)

Que sera, sera,

Whatever will be, will be.

The future’s not ours to see,

Que sera, sera,

What will be, will be.

**

The End