Characters:

4 survivors [Scott 1; Wendy 2; Todd 3; Amy 4]

A game show host wearing a burned suit [Dan]

4 suitors: dressed as a business man (Dick [Todd]), a military man (Leslie [Wendy]), a professor (Karl [Amy]), and in pajamas (John [Scott])

A stage assistant

TV show crew (a makeup girl, several grunts to move set pieces and stools)

Setting: An empty and completely dark stage except for what appears to be the entrance to an underground fallout shelter of some kind. There are stairs leading up to the top edge of the bunker. No actors are visible onstage.

First survivor (S1) opens the hatch on the bunker and climbs out, awestruck. There is a light inside the bunker that comes spilling out when the hatch opens. This is the only source of light.

[“Bunker: For Four Survivors” is performed here]

Host: (climbing out of bunker to the shock and confusion of the survivors) I couldn’t help overhearing your conv-

S1: (surprised) Were you in there the whole time?

S3: How did you get burnt? (exchanges confused looks with other survivors)

Host: It’s not important. What IS important is that I was overhearing your conversation and I’ve got just the thing to help you guys out! (calling offstage) Hit it, boys!

House lights come on. Cheesy game show music starts, the TV crew and stage assistant (AT) rush onstage creating a very noisy and busy scene; the survivors are looking more confused than ever. The makeup girl attends to the Host. The stage assistant runs out holding a number of signs with directions for the studio audience (laugh, sigh, applause, awww, etc.) and runs through the signs with the crowd for practice. TV crew comes on stage carrying two large folding screens that are placed to form three sides of a box with the open side facing the audience and the back wall made into a sort of double-door. 4 stools and 4 chairs are brought out, the chairs are placed behind the back wall of the box, thus invisible to the crowd; the stools are placed in front.

Host: (ushering the survivors to the chairs behind the screens) You folks just sit right over here and enjoy the show! (closes screens in front of survivors and steps to the front of the stage, pulling a microphone from his jacket, music has gotten quieter but is still present) Welcome everyone to Society Suitors! (AT holds up a sign, audience reacts accordingly) The ONLY show where we invite potential societies to come and answer YOUR questions about…ANYTHING! Let’s meet our suitors, shall we? (looks at his cards) Suitor #1 is a middle-class, white male whose hobbies include monopoly, pollution, globalization, exploitation, and playing with his puppy “Lackey (Lucky?)”. Come on out Dick! (Dick walks briskly to his stool, straightens his suit, and sits) Umm, we didn’t get much of a bio for suitor #2, so let’s bring him out and maybe he can fill in the blanks for us! (suitor all in black takes an excruciatingly long time shuffling to his stool, where he sits slumped) What sort of hobbies do you enjoy?

John: Xeroxing manifestos, throwing rocks, rallies, gas masks, civil unrest

Host: (checking his cards) We…didn’t get a name…so! What IS your name?

John: John Doe.

Host: (forcing a laugh) HA! What a kidder! Come on, what’s your REAL name?

John: Pass.

Host: Alriiiiiiight…(long pause; SIGN) …well, on to suitor #3 then! (Host’s energy is renewed) He enjoys commiserating with his fellow man, doing crossword puzzles, and reading. He’s omni-racial, he’s made of carbon, he’s Karl! Come on out! (SIGN; Karl walks out and takes his stool) Ready to meet our last suitor? (SIGN) well, let me tell you about him! He likes oppression, shooting and polishing his guns, flags, marching, parades, and knitting monogrammed gun cozies! Heeeeeeere’s Leslie! (SIGN; Leslie goosesteps to his stool, spins on his heel, salutes, and takes his seat.) Great to have you here, fellas! Here’s how the game will work: we’ll take a question, all four gents will give us an answer, and then we’ll decide who gets the point! Most points at the end wins! Let’s get started with the questions! Who wants to be first? Yes! You there! (points to an audience member and goes to them with the microphone outstretched) What are you DYING to ask?

Q1: If I were a popsicle, how would you eat me? (SIGN)

Dick: Well, I’d melt you down and re-freeze you into many small popsicles, package you, mark up the price and sell you to diabetic children in Siberia.

John: You WOULD want me to eat you, wouldn’t you? Shove it you glucose loaded TOOL!

Karl: My turn? Oh, ummm… I guess I’d break you up so that everyone could have a piece, and if there wasn’t enough, we’d make some more of you.

Leslie: WHERE’D YOU GET A POPSICLE?! POPSICLES ARE NOT INCLUDED IN DAILY RATIONS!! ALSO, THEY TAKE UP SPACE IN THE FREEZER WHERE I COULD BE STORING MEAT!! (SIGN)

Host: Whoa, take it easy there champ! It’s still early in the game! (To audience) Now y’all choose one of them and punch your choice into your individual number pad, and we’ll tally at the end. (scanning the crowd) Now…who’s next? Yes? You! (goes to another questioner)

Q2: What’s your favorite pick-up line?

Dick: Are you wearing space pants? Because if you’re not, you should go get some at the mall!

John: Want me to show you how to steal copies?

Karl: Wanna come to a potluck? You gotta bring something though…

Leslie: GET IN MY FUCKING VAN!

Host: [more filler; new question]

Q3: What’s your biggest turn on?

Dick: Profit!

John: Chaos!!

Karl: Sharing.

Leslie: HANDCUFFS! AND LEASHES! RESTRIC…

Host: ok, that’s enough for now, why don’t we take a break for a commercial (suitors get up and go “backstage” behind the screens) and come back in five? Don’t go away! (Host goes to stage right and picks up a bottle of detergent. Mimes a commercial. The four survivors open the double doors from behind and get out of their seats)

S2: What just happened?

S1: I think that guy…wants us to pick a suitor…to help us start over.

S4: Well, we know we wouldn’t want to pick the suitor on the end. Just think of how he might approach the issue of public health and safety?

S2: Ok, but the guy next to him just wants to share everything. He’d probably just give all of the money to people who don’t work hard (nodding deliberately at S1). Why do we have to share with them?

S1: Hey! What are you getting at?

S2: I’m just saying: you tend not to do your share of bunker chores. The bathroom’s a mess down there (implicating the bunker).

S3: But it’s not like he’s being lazy. He DID teach all of us to play the nose flute, remember? I think that if you’re a member of a society then you should never be denied basic rights-

S2: What rights? Like freedom? I don’t care what he does or says, he’s free.

S3: Those things ARE rights, yes. But I’m talking about food, shelter, clothing. The things that make it possible to survive as a human. We should never be denied the means of subsistence.

S2: But if we don’t do our share…

S3: you can’t take away his food, his jacket or his house because he does an untraditional chore (nose whistle tutor). As long as everyone can contribute something to everyone else, they have earned the right to be part of a society.

Host: (Has finished his commercial) Did you say “society”? That’s the name of the game here on –

S1: Forget it man, we’re going to make something that works for us.

S2: Subscribing to some preexisting philosophy just shows a lack of imagination.

S3: We can use today as a reference though, to figure out which parts of which systems work and which don’t.

S4: It’s just you and us now. The system we were under undid itself, and your game show just doesn’t fit anymore.

Host: (getting angry) Who the hell are you to tell me my show is obsolete?! I’m a goddamn television revolutionary!

S1: There ISN’T TV anymore. We don’t even have electricity! (house lights go out) We’re starting over.

Host: Ok, well then let’s get some technology! We need to get back to the way things were! It was great! I was rich!

S1: And at the same time, I couldn’t feed my family.

S2: That’s the problem. The desire for material wealth took precedence over human condition.

S3: Not just human condition, but the well being of the whole planet took a back seat to profit. Profit which is a result of exploitation.

S4: THAT’S a backwards system. So, it’s important that we realize those flaws and attempt to create a system which excludes them.

Host: A new system, huh? Ok here’s a system: Go get my car, and take me to the bank. I’m gonna get my money.

S2: There’s nothing left, you jackass! There’s no bank, there’s no car, there’s no money. Nothing.

Host: Nothing? Pause. Everything is gone?

S2: Yes.

Host: No more Costco?

S3: No.

Host: No more Big K?

S1: No.

Host: What about my 76 inch picture in picture flat screen plasma TV?

S4: NO.

Host: My venti half-caf soy caramel Macchiato mocha latte with foam?

All: NO!

Host: (Big sigh) What’s the point? (Long silence where the Host doesn’t say anything but makes a series of dejected moans while slowly slumping to the floor and ending up flat on his face)

S2: The point is we get to start over! (Long silence; more sighing and moaning from Host)

S4: Haven’t you ever wanted to be free?

Host: I WAS free! I lived in the Home of The Free!

S4: So you did whatever you wanted, then?

Host: Of course not, that’s crazy. If I did everything I wanted, I’d go to jail or lose my job!

S1: And you’re content with that being true?

Host: Well, I guess…I never really thought about it before.

S2: Wouldn’t you rather be able to do anything you want?

Host: Yeah, sure…

S3: Alright. So say your statement again, but this time, imagine a society in which your desire isn’t false.

Host: ok…I’m allowed to do anything I want?

S3: There you go. Try another one. Think bigger though, what keeps you from doing what you want?

Host: Well, a lot of things. My mortgage, my child support payments, my job (Mumbling) I fucking hate that game show… (getting excited) I want to live in a society where I don’t need money to meet my needs!

All S: Yes! Good job! That’s the ticket!

Host: (getting really excited) and…and…I desire to live in a world where we respect the environment! And…women! And no more private property! And no more violence… (runs off stage shouting desires)

S2: Alright! Lets get to work! (survivors move behind screens)